I am really tired from over four months of inpatient work. The time requirements of being an intern have meant that I have had little time to maintain aspects of my life that used to define me. When friends or family ask to hear what I've been up to, the answer is work. When applicants to the psychiatry program ask me what my hobbies are, I tell them what I used to do. Though I know this is a very unique and all-consuming time in my training, it is still disturbing for my identity to be reduced to my job and to often be isolated from the healthy majority of people.
On one hand, I love being a doctor. I love working with people and often helping them. I love learning and becoming skillful in different areas. But for all of this, I also resent what I have to sacrifice in order to do these things. My own ability to cope with stress, with sick patients, with anxious families, with abrupt co-workers, is reduced in my state of physical tired-ness and shallow emotional reserve. At my best, I can take things in stride, give myself and others a break, and go home and get a good night's sleep. At my worst, I've taken out my frustrations on family, friends, co-workers, and even subtly on my patients.
One of my mentors told me that the key to maintaining reserve is to offer oneself unconditionally without being invested in the outcome. In other words, give freely, with no expectations of anything in return. So I shouldn't expect patients to agree with a plan I have thoughtfully put together. So I shouldn't expect patients to thank me for going out of my way to make appointments for them. So I shouldn't expect patients to miraculously change their lives because I treated them. Sounds obvious (and I sound narcissistic) writing this, but sometimes, I get the idea that when I spend time and energy on something, that I should get something back in return! Credit, gratitude, a break, kind words...and it just doesn't work that way. It's a weird dynamic between being taught that we are "worth" this and "deserve" that and "our time is valuable"--but do these ideas fall into the categories of self-respect, self-preservation, self-defense or self-righteousness? It's not always clear. By freely giving (and also by asking for what we need in earnest), we can tap into an endless supply of love and energy to share with people.
On one hand, I love being a doctor. I love working with people and often helping them. I love learning and becoming skillful in different areas. But for all of this, I also resent what I have to sacrifice in order to do these things. My own ability to cope with stress, with sick patients, with anxious families, with abrupt co-workers, is reduced in my state of physical tired-ness and shallow emotional reserve. At my best, I can take things in stride, give myself and others a break, and go home and get a good night's sleep. At my worst, I've taken out my frustrations on family, friends, co-workers, and even subtly on my patients.
One of my mentors told me that the key to maintaining reserve is to offer oneself unconditionally without being invested in the outcome. In other words, give freely, with no expectations of anything in return. So I shouldn't expect patients to agree with a plan I have thoughtfully put together. So I shouldn't expect patients to thank me for going out of my way to make appointments for them. So I shouldn't expect patients to miraculously change their lives because I treated them. Sounds obvious (and I sound narcissistic) writing this, but sometimes, I get the idea that when I spend time and energy on something, that I should get something back in return! Credit, gratitude, a break, kind words...and it just doesn't work that way. It's a weird dynamic between being taught that we are "worth" this and "deserve" that and "our time is valuable"--but do these ideas fall into the categories of self-respect, self-preservation, self-defense or self-righteousness? It's not always clear. By freely giving (and also by asking for what we need in earnest), we can tap into an endless supply of love and energy to share with people.
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